Crackology
by shirayume
Summary: Random short cracked stories about random ideas and characters. Don't mind the insanity of my little mind. Chronicle 5 is up: Wishes for Rukia
1. Chronicle 1: Zabi zabi maruu

Chronicle 1  
**Title**: Zabi zabi maruu  
**Characters**: Zabimaru, Zangetsu (Ichigo, Rukia, Renji)  
**Pairings**: none. Okay, maybe some Zabimaru action.

"Zoo?"  
"Yes a zoo Rukia."  
"Never heard of it."  
There they stood, at the Karakura Zoo. Renji read the sign:

_Welcome all to the Karakura Zoo, open twelve ours a day! (If you are lucky) We provide excellent service! (If you are lucky) and the animals here are all friendly! (If you are lucky) Bring your friends, your kids, your aging grandparents (They need a life) and your lovers! We currently feature the exhibit of "Baboons Bombardment!" Get your tickets today and don't miss out!_  
- Owner

"We'd better be lucky," Renji muttered.  
"Come on, the hollow is somewhere inside there," Rukia said.  
The three headed off into the gates of hell and cotton candy and stopped at the "Rabbit Ru…uh Rumble?" exhibit. A massive hollow was circling above the cages like an oversized snake.  
"There!" Ichigo cried. He turned into his shinigami self and proceeded in his chopping session.  
"Ichigo! Ichigo! Stop, Ichigo!" Rukia screamed.  
"What the heck is it Rukia!"  
"You're going to hurt the bunnies, dammit!"  
"Shut up! Killing the hollow comes first!"  
"Shut up! They are innocent little rabbits, Ichigo! You…Renji! Baka! Stop throwing the rabbits!"  
Renji was hurling the poor little cute bunnies at the hollow as it flew. Little squeals came out from the puff balls.  
"Darn it Rukia! They're too sof…" Renji's face collided with the ground, compliments of Rukia's foot.  
"Freeee bunnies, frreeeedddommm!" (:3) Rukia released the little rabbits everywhere.

The hollow dived down at Renji and opened its mouth. Renji blocked the attack with Zabimaru, and the hollow caught it with his teeth. Slowly, the blade started to break down into little pieces. They glowed and took the appearance of Zabimaru, baboon-snake animal (?).   
"Eh?" was the only thing Renji could say. The hollow knocked down Renji.  
"Renji, you bastard, look what you did!" Ichigo slammed his blade into the mouth of the hollow. It smiled as the blade started breaking apart too. Out came Zangetsu.  
"Eh?" The hollow knocked him down.  
"Renji, Ichigo! Idiotic, stupid, worthless!" She pulled out her zanpaktou and started to fight the hollow.  
"What did you do to their zanpaktous!"  
"I materialized them so they can't use them!"  
"What kind of ability is that!"  
"I have no idea!"

"Hey, Zangetsu."  
"…Yes?"  
"Where are we?"  
"A zoo, I presume. Shouldn't we try to wake up Ichigo and Renji?"  
"Eh, they'll wake up eventually."  
The two walked past the bystanders, staring at the loose baboon with a snake tail and the main who was wearing too much black for summer. A man stepped forward.  
"Loose monkey! Run for your lives!"  
"Ahhhh….No….! etc. etc."  
Zangetsu and Zabimaru coolly walked by, without noticing a thing.

"Baboon Bombardment"  
"Hah, haha."  
"What's so funny Zangetsu?"  
"You are a baboon and we're at the baboon section."  
"What's so funny about that?"  
Zangetsu shrugged his shoulders. They jumped over the fencing and walked by a number of baboons, butt pink and shining in the sunlight. They all raised their heads and looked back down to eat whatever baboons ate.  
"Ah, you should learn from them, Zangetsu."  
"What's that?"  
"A society with peace and where we help each other. Where baboons are free to do what they like without discrimination or segregation. You _humans_ should learn a thing or two."  
"You mean scratching asses, eating whatever moves and doing things again and again without realizing the mistakes? Oh wait, humans do it too."

Zabimaru walked by the pond and that's when he spotted a certain monkey.  
"Pst, Zangetsu! Look over there."  
"Yes a baboon, I think you know I've seen about thirty of them already."  
"But isn't this one looking _fine_…yo?"  
"I wouldn't know." He looked at Zabimaru. "Don't say 'yo' ever again."  
"Togther we can make baboo snake babies and rule the world with our skills and social caste system maintenance!"  
"Right right, I'll be going somewhere else now…"  
"No, you have to help me, I'm nervous!"  
"What is there to be nervous of? She probably won't care if you stuck your uh, thing in her uh thing."  
"Baboon romance is precious dammit!"  
"Right."

"Hey, you there. Yea, you look good uh, drinking your pond water there. Yea, with that bug in your teeth and all that."  
The female baboon scratched her armpits.  
"Ehh, rawh! Eeee. Ahh rawwwh." (What sounds do baboons make?)  
Zangetsu shifted his eyes back and forth.  
"Don't worry Zangetsu. I know her language of love…Ahem, Ehhhhh AHHHHH, oo, ahhh eee rawhhhhh. Eh."  
"Eh?"  
"Eh. Hah, see Zangetsu, her name is Poupa."  
"Hello…poutry er something."

Zabimaru reached in to touch her pinkness underneath the hairiness.

A gust of wind blew Poupa down. The hollow crashed on the fencing and Rukia was on top of it, driving her sword into its mask.  
"Darn you hollow!"  
The hollow smacked Rukia aside and roared at the baboons (which are now running around in circles).  
"I'm coming Rukia!" The hollow smacked Renji aside.

"This looks like a job for us baboons! Go my minions! Attack!" Zabimaru shouted.

The baboons jumped on the hollow and started biting its body. The hollow fell down and crawled towards Zabimaru.  
"Evil one, beware of my power…rawr!"  
While he was fighting the hollow, Zangetsu kneeled down towards Ichigo. He poked him.

The hollow began to disappear along with the images of Zabimaru and Zangetsu.  
"No, Poupa! I'll come back for you someday!"  
It scratched her butt.  
The two zanpaktou spirits returned to their normal blades. Renji and Ichigo and picked their swords up.  
"Okay…"  
A bunny ran by.


	2. Chronicle 2: Half a Heart

Chronicle 2  
**Title**: Half a Heart  
**Characters**: Renji, Rukia  
**Pairings**: RenjixRukia (one-sidedness)

Rukia always reminded me of a boy, ever since we met in Inuzuri. Whenever she saw someone big beating up a smaller girl or boy, she would pummel their asses into the ground and possibly take their underwear away to draw bunnies on and hang it as her national flag. I liked that attitude secretly, even now...

"Renji! Get your butt off the floor!"

"Rukia, shut up! I'm reminiscing!"

"You can reminisce later! Did you forget about your captain's meeting?"

"Oh yea. Uh I remembered Rukia, I'm just coolly walking slow."

Some years after the scare with Aizen and the hollows, I became captain of my own division, replacing Ichimaru Gin, that bastard. Rukia said it was a pity push courtesy of "...niiiiisaamma..." but heck I achieved bankai and I think I would do way better than Kira. Out of my kind heart, I made Rukia vice-captain of my squad, and because she thought I was teasing her, she shoved a stick up my nose. It hurt. We kicked Aizen's sorry butt for all the trouble he caused. He said he was sorry, but psh, like I'll forgive him.

"Renji! Stop standing around like an idiot and talking to yourself!"

"Baka! I'm not talking to myself!"

Anyways, Rukia and I do fight a lot, but honestly, I do it because I don't really think I could say what's out of my heart. It's like one of those manly hiding things...and I'm manly for sure.

"Baka!" She was screaming again.

"BAKA!"

"BAAAAKKAA!"

"Stop shouting in capital letters!"

"You shut up!"

--

Rukia returned from the really horrible assignment I gave her and she gave me a nosebleed. She also pulled some of my hair off too. Really, she's like a cat or something. I let my hair down because she said it looked nice down so I did, but maybe I should put it up again. She keeps pulling on it. :(

"Renji! Why the heck did you send me to fight a hollow that looks like a rabbit!"

"What, couldn't handle it?"

"You...did it on purpose!"

"I'm the captain here and you are the VICE-captain. I rule this division, Rukia."

"Oh..." She gave me a sly grin. "I bet nii-sama would love this."

"Rukia! You! Oi, come back here."

I stilled liked her, even when she punched me in my nose and even when she got Byakuya-taichou to chase me with his flying petals of doom. Hanging around 4th division wasn't so bad I guess. Rukia came later and apologized anyways with a chappy sweater. Like I need another one of those, but I took it anyways.

"Renji, sorry about that."

"Yea, yea."

"Yea...yea? You could at least accept my apology in a more graceful manner."

"Do I look graceful to you?"

"Definitely not." She turned to the side and stuck her little noble nose up in the air.

"Don't give me that, Rukia!"

"Hah! You used an exclamation mark first! I told you that if you shouted at me again in the same week, I'll get Ichigo on you! ICHIGO!"

"There are a lot of uses for exclamation points! Oi Rukiaaaaaaa!"

Yea, and then Ichigo and I had the good pleasure to do battle. I ended up in the hospital for another week. :(

--

It was...Chrissmez. Chris Mas. Was that a poet or something? Anyways, it was x-mas. Yea, that sounds cooler. Things with x's always sound cooler. Like Roxas, haha, kingdom hearts is a cool game. Rukia took me to the real world because it was a day off in Gotei 13. She said she wanted to go shopping with me. Feh, she probably stole that money from Kurosaki, or his damn crazy father.

"Look Renji! A Christmas tree!"

"What's the point of that thing anyways?"

"Come on Renji, perk up. This is one in a year chance to go to the mall in the material world!"

"And how long do we live?"

"... Look bunny dolls! Come on Renji!"

In my mind, I did feel like going with Rukia to see the dolls, but my manly reputation didn't let me, so I let her haul my dead weight to the store and by the time we were there, she collapsed.

"Renji, loose some weight, will you?"

"No." My eyebrow twitched. "I'm not fat."

"Sure. Hey discount on bunny chocolates! Let's go!"

It was actually nice in that store. As we walked inside, we held my arm hard and hugged it against her almost nonexistent bosom. In the end, we purchased a whole lot of bunny-themed items and one was red. She gave that to me.

--

When we went home, Rukia and I were resting in the headquarters. I wanted to say that I did have a good time tonight and I liked her present. It was night so she was already asleep. I crept into her room and shut the door slightly so that a small inch of light entered the room. I walked slowly to her bed. I was about to nudge her shoulder, when a strand of my damn hair landed on her nose. ...I should've tied it back up. She literally screamed and fell off her bed, taking my hair down with me. I felt lots of pain in my scalp and then in my gut and then at my face.

"Die, rapist! Burglar! Hollow! Bastard! Stalker! Hiretsukan!" I think she just bit my nose.

"Rukia! It's only me!"

"Renji?...BAKA! Why are you in my room?"

"What, can't I say something to you without you screaming your head off and biting my nose?"

"What is it then?"

"Since you want to be such an idiot, I won't tell you."

"...GET OUT!"

The next thing I knew, I was standing outside her door with some of my hair in my hands and a very red nose. Hey, I look like that wussy reindeer in those Christ Mas specials. Anyways, I coolly walked back to my own bed and hugged the red bunny...with manliness of course. I didn't know whether to name it Sakki or Akanasu...Oh well. Good night.

--

"Renji! You're crazy red hair is in my bed!"

"BAKA! Go back to sleep!"


	3. Chronicle 3: Chire Yachiru

Chronicle 3  
**Title**: Chire Yachiru  
**Characters**: Yachiru, Byakuya (Kenpachi, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Rukia)  
**Pairings**: None. 

Hello and ohayou fans of bleach! My name is Kusajishi Yachiru, fukutaichou of 11th division! Good to meet you all! Ken-chan has a fever today and I'm free to go where ever I want! Baldie and Mrs. Peacock lashes caught the fever from Ken-chan so they can't play with me. Maki-maki went to try swimming with his face underwater after I pulled on his mustachie! SoOo... I wonder where I chould go. I tried to visit my own fanlisting, but scary Mayuriii said that if I used his computer, he would kill me. Nani? A sakura petal?

Bya-kun is outside!

"Bya! Byakushi!"

"Nani? What are you doing, noodle-head?"

"He's practicing with Senbonzakura, Kusajishi-chan."

"Waaaa- Old Kuchi-san! Can I try?"

"I'm afraid not."

"...squeee!"

That's when I swiped Zakura Zanpaktou-chanchan from Byakushi. He seemed mad, but he didn't want to chase me. Oof! I hit a rock. The zanpaktou is heavy, but I can hold it! It looks so nice next to my sword. We can have tea together!

--

"Chire!...Chire Chire Chire!" It's not fair. I wanted to use it! Anyways Kuchi-kuchi is getting closer so I decided to hide it under Ken-chan's bed!

"Ken-chan! Ken-chan!"

"What is it Yachiru?"

"Ken-chan doesn't look so good."

"Baka, I have some damn fever. What are you doing with that sword?"

"Nothing Ken-chan. Have some good rest!"

I bounced my way to the top of baldie's head, but he doesn't look too good either. No fair. Ah, Bya-kun's coming! I hid under baldie's bed and watched Bya-bya come in. Eh, he can't find me?

"Kuchiki, why are you in my headquarters?"

"Where's your vice-captain?"

"Eh, Yachiru? Haven't seen her."

Yay Ken-chan! I took the sword under his bed and jumped through the window! Happy! Bya saw me I think so he ran off somewhere else. Good thing, I'm really really fast!

--

Oi! It's Toushirou!

"Hiiiiiiiiii! Toushirou! Rangikuuu!"

"Eh, Yachiru-fukutaichou? Hello dear!"

"It's Captain Hitsugaya..."

"Eh captain? But Toushirou! Ken-chan's a captain and he's up up up taller than you!" I gave him my biggest smile and then I saw it! The mighty inverted corners of irritatedness! Right on his forehead!

"Haha, Hitsugaya-taichou, how funny."

"Matsumoto..."

"Eh? Toushirou! Sorry, have my sword!"

I held out Zakura-chan for him and he opened his mouth! I think he was shocked! I put my pinky into his mouth and he tried to get the sword...

"Hey no stealing!"

"Yachiru, thats Kuchiki-taichou's sword isn't it?"

"Mayyybee, no stealing!"

"You said I could have it."

"When did I say that? Boy Toushirou, you like to make up stories. Oh lookie! Bya bya is coming!"

"Wait Yachiru!"

"Aww, how can you shout at her?"

"Matsumoto..."

Nyehhh, how boring. Anyways, I was running when I saw Kuchi-kuchi! This time it was sister Kuchi-kuchi!

--

"Yachiru-fukutaichou?"

"Ruki!" I jumped on her shoulder, but it's so small I fell on my butt. I said butt.

"Is that...Is that Nii-sama's zanpaktou!"

"Nyeh, maybe..."

"Uh, Yachiru-fukutaichou. Can I have that?"

"Nope."

"You...well uh, shouldn't be stealing zanpaktous Yachiru...I feel like a mom."

"Mom? You should be a mom! I bet Renji or Ichi would be happy to hear that!"

"What?"

"Ah, you're all red! Bye-bye, Ruki!"

--

Lalala, CANDY! I see candy on the street, fully packed with rainbow colors and a string! Mine! I'm sorry to say that I bit the bag of candy and weee, I got pulled like a fish. Bya-kun reeled me in and took Zakura-chan back! No fair, eh BUN! Bya-kun put a bun in my mouth. Roast beef filling? Eh? More candy! Candy, candy!

"Kusajishi, please restrain yourself next time."

"Haiii!"

I was walking back to Ken-chan after that and then I saw it! It was Zabimaru! Monkey, pink butt! Mine! Renji looks like he's about to have a heart attack!

"Bye-bye Renjijijiji!"

* * *

A/N So much green and red in Microsoft Word xD 


	4. Chronicle 4: Yoruichis and Komamuras

Chronicle 4  
**Title:** Yoruichis and Komamuras  
**Characters:** Yoruichi, Komamura, Soi Fong, Nemu and Mayuri  
**Pairings:** YoruichixSoi Fong (one-sidedness), YoruichixKomamura (crack'd)

"Soul Society changed a lot since I left, eh Soi Fong?"

"Hai, Yoruichi-san. But my feelings are the same..." Soi Fong responded meekly. Her cheeks with delightfully flushed.

"Oh...? What are you talking about? You mean with that little ninja down the street? Hah! I knew you liked him Soi Fong!" Yoruichi laughed.

"NO! I mean...no that's not it."

"Sure, we'll talk about it later...still I wish Urahara could come back. Sure he's hunted like a wild animal, and he has his shop and those kids to look after, but heck he could manage to visit me."

"Yoruichi-san..."

"Oh I remember how we were kids, Urahara and I. We were inseparable, one look and you could tell that were close. Soi Fong, are you listening?"

Soi Fong stared at the ground and fiddled with her braid. Darn it, she thought. She couldn't lose her beloved flash goddess of a thousand steps.

"Yoruichi-san, I have to go somewhere for a while," she paused. "Will you wait for me at least later? I think I want to give you something."

Yoruichi smiled and nodded. "As long as it's milk, I'll be fine."

Soi Fong ran off with her hands close to her heart. She knew a way to make Yoruichi hers, and with luck, Urahara can die in oblivion while they skipped in the sakura tree meadows. Yoruichi-sama...

* * *

"What is it Soi Fong-taichou? This better be quick; I have an operation to do." 

"Mayuri-taichou. I'm requesting an item from you."

"What item of mine?"

"I need you to make me a...love...potion," she blushed and looked to the side to see Nemu staring at her at the side of the room. Weird girl she was.

"I'm sure I could make it with my caliber...but it will cost you, you know. Nothing will come out of me if I don't receive something in return, oh say a specimen of sorts." His smile widened with his eye bulging menacingly. Soi Fong looked to the floor and sighed.

"What kind of specimen do you want?"

"Oh lets see, I could always get those ryoka brats, but they're a hassle to reach in the material world. The quincys are too boring nowadays and the hollows are ancient history. Ah I know, recently I had a day off Soi Fong-taichou, and do you know what happened?"

"You played Go," Nemu whispered at the side of the room.

"Shut up Nemu." Mayuri threw a chair at her. "I wasn't talking to you; I was talking to this captain. Yes, well I was playing Go and do you know who I played it with? I played with that Komamura. And do you know what happened?" He pulled out his long finger. Seriously, he should get that thing looking normally.

"You..."

"I lost dammit!" That Komamura, I thought I could at least win once, or twice, but no! He beat me every time. So Soi Fong, I need him to be my specimen. He'll make a fine fox...wolf...animal experiment and this will be my revenge!" Insert maniacal laugher here.

"You will make me the potion if I can get him?"

"Sure why not."

"Milk-flavored possibly?"

"Why not."

Soi Fong nodded fiercely and ran out the door. Mayuri grinned as she ran away and cranked his neck to look at his vice-captain. "Putrid thing you are, I should take you apart shouldn't I?"

"..."

* * *

"Komamura-taichou." 

"Soi Fong, what are you doing here?" The...fox thing replied. Really, what is he?

"I think there's something you should look at. We found something that you should go see."

"I'm honestly busy right now, so please ask me later." He turned away from the woman and began writing on his papers.

"But Komamura...fetch!"

Soi Fong pulled out the Woman Shinigami Association flying saucer 2006, with glow in the dark bunny stickers and easily accessible make-up storage. "Um, fetch captain!"

"Woof!" o.o Soi Fong through the disk and it twirled in the mid-air. Komamura bit it and ran back to Soi Fong, panting and barking strangely.

"So, you are some kind of dog right? But you look like a fox...but Kenpachi calls you a wolf. Ah, whatever." She threw the disk again and again, getting closer to 12th division headquarters.

"Now!" Soi Fong threw her daggers at the poor doggy captain and pinned him down against a tree. She put a treat in his mouth and scratched her head. "Stay here."

"Woof?"

* * *

"Mayuri-taichou, here's what you wanted. He's pinned up against that tree." 

"Excellent, Nemu, bring him in. And in return, I have the potion for you. Here's how it works. You must maker your lover drink the potion while looking at you. Simple, no?"

"Simple and I can't wait!"

"Who's the man, captain? That little ninja from down the street?"

Soi Fong grunted and swiped the from the creepy hand. "No, someone much better."

Mayuri laughed and turned around. He pointed at Nemu with a long fingernail. "Bring my pet in!"

"But sir, he's fighting it."

"Do as I say filthy maggot!"

"Hai, daddy."

"What did I say about calling me that, woman! I said you should only call me, the superior father of science or at least supreme emperor of Soul Society and beyond. Idiotic woman!"

Komamura head butted Nemu and ran off to chase Soi Fong. Nemu sighed as Mayuri bonked her on the head with a calibrated cylinder. (Science-nerd!)

* * *

"Here Yoruichi-san. Milk!" 

"Soi Fong, this looks delicious. I think I'll try some right now. Oh, is this the 12th divsion emblem on the bottle?"

"Uh no! I mean, it's clean, I promise. I...made sure, just for you."

"Thanks." She looked at the contents and swished the contents. Seemed harmless. She opened her mouth and began to sip with her eyes closed.

"That's it, drink it all..." Soi Fong murmured. She heard the little woof out of a bush. "Komamura?"

The big bodied captain jumped out of the bush and pounced on Soi Fong, licking her on the face.

"Hey you, stupid! Ah!"

"Komamura-taichou?" Yoruichi stopped drinking and stared at the two captains.

"Ah Yoruichi!"

"Komamura-taichou?" She took two steps forward. "You smell nice today."

Smelled...nice? Soi Fong looked up at Komamura. He seemed to be back to normal. This was horrible, Soi Fong thought. So frickin horrible in every way possible. Yoruichi jumped on Komamura's back and licked his neck hair, purring.

"Yoruichi-san! Don't Yoruichi! That's filthy!"

Komamura glared at Soi Fong. She took a step back and gritted her teeth. "Komamura-taichou, there's an explanation to this. That well, whole incident with the dish and the daggers and the Mayuri and the Yoruichi glomp. Please, get her back to normal..."

Komamura stared at Yoruichi who was rubbing her head on his ear and lifted her up by the collar.

"Yoruichi seems very important to you, doesn't she?"

"Yes, captain, she is, so please give her here so I could get her healed."

Komamura pondered for a second before shaking his head. "Soi Fong, revenge is a sweet thing."

"Like milk!" cried Yoruichi.

"Best served cold," continued Komamura-taichou. "I think I'll keep her until I feel like you've learned your lesson. Right Yoruichi...kitten?"

"KITTEN!" Soi Fong yelled. She nearly had a heart attack. "No way! You, what you! Komamura!"

Komamura smiled and winked, his eye golden. It tortured the Mobile Corps Commander. He placed Yoruichi on his shoulder and walked away, grinning.

* * *

"Morning, Kenpachi, Yachiru-chan." 

"Ohayou, Yoru-chan! Nice ride!" Yachiru squealed.


	5. Chronicle 5: Wishes for Rukia

Chronicle 5  
**Title**: Wishes for Rukia  
**Characters**: Rukia and more  
**Pairings**: Crack'd mentions

Rukia counted the lint on the carpet and the number of paint bubbles on the wall. It was too boring. Nothing to do, no one to talk to. Renji said he had a mission in the material world. Nii-sama had to go to a captain's meeting, he said. Even Ukitake said he was in good condition to attend. It was times like these when she wanted to play "walk on the tree stumps" with the others.

"Bored..." She cried out. She heard her echo stretch through the 13th division headquarters. Was it just her, or was no one here...or on the streets...or anywhere today? She looked outside the window to see that it started to snow. Maybe snow wasn't so bad. Rukia stepped outside and clenched the snow inside her fist. "Anyone out there?" ...Nothing.

"Oh look, a piece of candy," Rukia whispered. "And another one. And another one. I feel like Yachiru-chan."

* * *

"Oh look, a closed door. I'll look inside. Oh, it's dark and scary looking. I think I'll turn on the lights with this convenient switch right next to the entrance."

"Surprise!" Some shinigami jumped out from there obvious hiding spots and flailed their arms wildly in the air. "Omagahee happy birthday Rukia!"

Rukia stared at the bunch. Ukitake-taichou was wearing a kinky party hat and a breathing mask, his 3rd seats were already drunk, and to her surprise, Ichigo and friends were on the crouch, jumping up and down, and to the right were her brother and Master Kuchiki.

"You guys, what's happening here?" Rukia asked, bewildered.

"It's your own birthday, dammit," Ichigo snapped. "You should remember things like these."

"And how old am I?" Rukia sighed. "There's no use in having a party if I'm already like past 100." She walked up to the larger than life birthday cake and licked the icing. "Besides, you would at least invite Renji over."

"Surprise!" Renji jumped out of the cake. Rukia screamed and fell back, hissing like a snake.

"Renji, put some clothes on dammit!" She covered her eyes, red all over.

"The wind is nice here," Renji smirked.

* * *

Rukia looked under the table and crawled under on all fours. She placed her hands on top of the table and turned her head.

"Rukia, what are you looking for?" Inoue asked.

"You know, birthdays require presents...and there are none, unless the present was Renji's naked glory. Then I would say you guys are cheap and sick..."

"Feh, Rukia, you know you liked it," Renji stuck his tongue out. "And besides we do have a present for you, from all of us."

"If it's the gift of friendship and love, I'll strangle one of you," Rukia's eyebrow twitched.

"No, Rukia, even better...the gift of choice!" Renji's nose started bleeding. He covered his nose and frowned. "I meant that for today, you can control Soul Society, well for the most part. It's a gift for uh, almost executing you."

"I don't get it."

"Here, here!" Kiyone shouted with hiccups in between. "Look here Rukia, just say the -hiccup- word and we'll do it. Want me to run around like a chicken, okay! Want me to undress Ukitake-taichou? Okay!"

"Kiyone, I don't think you should be..."

"What Rukia? You want me to undress him? Fine by me, here here -hiccup- taichou! Rukia wants me to undress you!"

Rukia looked at everyone. Were they serious? They probably forgot to buy gifts and instead replaced it with this weird one. "Okay," Rukia sighed. "I'll take a shot at it. Let's see, Kiyone! Stop chasing taichou and uh, bite Ichigo on the head."

Kiyone belched and twirled to the orange haired boy to bite him right on the forehead. Ichigo screamed and pounded the shinigami off his hair with now smelt like grape-flavored wine and a heavy load of rice sake. Rukia perked up and laughed. Maybe it was a good present after all. She had control over the souls of Soul Society, huh?

"Chad! Do a headstand!"

"Um, Rukia, I can't do head stands."

"Do it!" She laughed as the big guy tried to flip over onto his head to stand still. She rolled on the floor laughing and grinning with joy. "Ichigo, stop rubbing your head and do the chicken dance!"

He looked at the rest for support, but all he got was whistling and blank faces. "Okay..."

Rukia grinned. _Happy birthday to me._

* * *

"Renji, waddle!" Rukia cried.

Renji stiffened his knees and proceeded to waddle down the street, gritting his teeth. _Whoever was the first to think of this idea is dead._

"Renji! Quack!"

"No."

"Do it!"

"Quack." Renji muttered.

"Ren..."

"Stop picking on me Rukia! Go for Ichigo or something!"

"Ichigo! Crash into that wall! And then scream the ABC's and then...no wait, armpit sonata! Followed by a lick of the street pavement and then ooh! Get me that Chappy doll! Finally, sprout the wings of a bird and tentacles like a squid!"

"What am I your slave!" Ichigo screamed. "I can't believe I'm going to do this!"

"Ah, Kurosaki-kun! Ishida-kun and I will join you!" Inoue squealed.

"No, wait, I never agreed, what are you...!" Ishida cried.

They went to do the armpit musical. Rukia snapped her fingers for Renji to join them. She sighed. It was one day she had the power, so why waste it only on them. She peered over across the street to see a bumbling Hanatarou following Isane-fukutaichou.

"Oi, Hanatarou! Come 'ere," Rukia called.

"Ah! Rukia-san! Happy birthday to you. Is there anything you would like?"

"Hanatarou, would you kiss Isane-fukutaichou on the cheek?" Rukia giggled.

"Ah, Rukia-san!"

"Just a peck, Hana! Remember today is my day. It's harmless."

Hantarou shifted from foot to foot and approached his vice-captain's back. It was extremely impossible. Not because he was going to kiss his vice-captain, but because...he couldn't even reach above her neck. He walked to the side and started to tippy-toe, immediately following up with jumping.

"Hanatarou! Could you quit jumping around and walk normally?" Isane scolded. "We have to get back to taichou...and I'm not that tall, am I?"

Hanatarou leaped up to smooch her cheek, but knocked her over instead, face planted in her well, mountains. Isane yelped and smacked the boy with her bag, making him bleed by the nose. Rukia clapped her hands and ran off to see how the others were doing with their bird-squid metamorphism. While walking to the squawking shinigami and co., she found Yumichika walking the roads, mirror in hand.

"Hey Yumichika-san!

"Rukia? And oh, happy..."

"I want you to hug Ganju!"

"What!"

"And then, while you're at it, kiss your captain on the forehead!" Rukia smiled manically.

"What! You know I can't do that and ugh, that Shiba Ganju can go into a hole for all I care. Hug him, no! And my captain...he'll tear me to shreds! Rukia, you can't make me!"

"You have to."

"I won't."

"Now!"

Yumichika looked at her and twitched. Here was Kuchiki Rukia, ordering her to hug a menace that looked like he got beat up by an ugly stick and then kiss his own crazy captain on the head. He was going to get a beating, he was going to turn into a toad for touching that Ganju. He was going to wither away like a beautiful rose and then turned into a crisp by 11th division taichou...taichou...

"Are you going to keep quivering or are you going to do what I asked?" Rukia felt it, power-hungry.

It just so happened that Shiba Ganju was on one side of the street and Kenpachi was on the other side...staring at the sky. Yachiru was drooling on Kenpachi's hair while sleeping. Yumichika glanced at their direction and then at Rukia. She was crazy. He walked carefully to Ganju. His spine was about to fall apart and quickly, he embraced him for less then a second and zoomed behind a wall, making Ganju dazed.

"Eh, what just happened?" Ganju asked, confused.

Rukia laughed and looked for Yumichika's eyelash ornaments. They were shaking behind a garbage can.

"Pssst, Yumichika, your captain's on the other side of the street!" Rukia stated. "Go do it now."

Yumichika inched closer to his captain. Kenpachi was looking at a cloud and scratching his waist. He felt wind brush against him and reached out to snag Yumichika by the hair.

"Ack, taichou!"

"Look what we have here. What do you think your doing, eh?" Kenpachi grinned. "Looking for a fight?"

"No, no! Rukia asked me to kiss...!" Yumichika pointed to his right. "You?"

Rukia disappeared from sight. He slowly turned his head to see Kenpachi fixed in a face that showed either blood lust or happiness. Or both. Either one. Preferably blood lust.

* * *

Was it night already? Rukia yawned and put on her nightdress. It was three minutes to midnight and she still couldn't sleep. What a day it had been for her. After the whole Yumichika mess, she made Ukitake-taichou and Shunsui-taichou do a little organized jig for her and the occasional Renji-Ichigo thrashing. Vice-captains danced and a certain Toushirou-taichou dressed up as a monkey. She laughed and yawned again. Two minutes left.

"What are you doing up late?"

Rukia jumped and saw that she was passing by her brother's room. He was still up and reading a small book at his desk.

"I just couldn't sleep and I decided I would watch my birthday end. That's all," Rukia replied, lowering her head. "I made some strange things happen today, didn't I?"

"Amusing."

Rukia smiled. He sounded like he almost liked it. Rukia bowed her head once more and started to walk away when she heard her brother's voice.

"Would you like to request anything else before your birthday comes to a close?"

Rukia stopped and stared at her brother's back. She walked into the room as he stood up and looked down upon her. One minute left.

"Nii-sama, I think I do wish for one more thing," Rukia muttered. "And I guess it wouldn't be too much if..." Thirty seconds. "Can you hug me goodnight?"

Byakuya stood motionless for a while before nodding a bit. He bent down and wrapped his arms around his little sister as the bell tolled twelve, January 15th.

"I left Renji in the street to sprout tentacles."

"We'll retrieve him in the morning."


End file.
